Madness!

Yesterday I went to see Madness play at Epsom Downs after the racing with three of my friends. We had a pretty fun hour or so betting with each other on the horses, out of three races, I managed to pick the winner just once, I managed to make a profit of just £1.

Onto the main event, I took us over to the stage a bit early so we could get a good spot, near the front, almost in the middle. When they got on to stage, the crowd went crazy, middle aged men and women jumped up and down, danced crazily, just like they were teenagers again. We did the same, still being teenagers of course. They started with One Step Beyond, a real party starter, it was immense, lots of jumping, shouting and laughing.

My dad had told me to look after myself because Madness usually attract a fairly rowdy crowd, I dismissed this fairly quickly thinking I would be with a load of smartly dressed businessmen and sophisticated women. I was half right. They were all there, just near the back or in the stands. Near the front were the hardcore Madness fans. After just a couple of songs the real Madness began. Moshing, fighting and shoving, security was slow to react but took no prisoners once they got involved, one twat decided he would fight one of these massive security guards from G4S, a foolish move, not only could the guy have kicked his arse on his own but they work as a bit of a team and as he tried to get away he was grabbed round the neck and hauled over a fence by another security guy and restrained completely. I hope the idiot got what he deserved.

Sometimes people take the law into their own hands, I was stood next to a particularly large, relatively young girl who was clearly a big fan, when this idiot who challenged security shoved her she nearly killed him, being stood next to her I was quite worried he would lash out and I'd be down for the count. He did not, I kept myself looking vaguely calm and stood my ground (while my friends cowered behind me, in their defense, two of them are quite small). The two that were causing most trouble were two of the fattest people you will see on their feet (fatter people you may see completely bed-bound), they were bashing into each other and other people causing absolute chaos. Security held back slightly on these two, probably because an elephant tranquilizer dart would be the only way to take these two down and if they put up a fight, it would have decimated the crowd. On a side note I would like to point out the correct meaning of decimate. It does not mean to completely destroy or to kill the majority. It means kill one in ten of a population. Get this wrong with me around and I will be forced to hit you followed by a long explanation of why you are a moron, just a warning. There were some points in the evening when I was being consistently battered by the crowd while desperately trying to prevent the smaller of my friends from being killed. My other friend will tell you he was doing the same but I didn't see him take any of the hits.

Eventually Madness got on to the main songs that everyone knows, we sang and danced so loudly, Baggy Trousers, Our House, It Must Be Love, House of Fun, we did them all, it was amazing.

Madness are like a fine wine, they just get better with age, it was a really good night and despite fearing for my life I loved every minute. Well done boys.

Working on a food counter

I started working for a supermarket recently and had my first days in the shop this week. I am behind the food counter in my lovely apron and stylish hat. It is a lot of fun but there are so many little procedures to remember. The bakery and patisserie is the hardest place to work, some of the items sold are on the till, some are on a bar code sheet and some are on the scales and require a sticker to be printed. You can guarantee that whatever item I am trying to find will be listed in the last place I try.

What I really enjoy is the bitching. Whenever a fatty walks in we make little comments to each other: "fire up the oven, big order coming" "shit, we only have 19 muffins left!" This is always very funny especially since one of the guys I work with used to work for McDonalds so has an endless supply of fat jokes. This was not nearly as hilarious as what happened yesterday. I group of about 6 men came in to the store and were instantly drawn to the pastries and cakes, me looking all young and innocent and smiling sweetly probably helped too. They were staring at the counter for ages and saying "oooh, it would be so naughty" "They look so pretty" "Oh wow, it all looks sooooooo good" "Ooooh, yes please" I saw my opportunity for sales and I jumped in with a big smile and a "Hi there, can I help you?" They began to walk away but their leader said "Oh don't you worry, we'll be back" They went off and looked at some wine while I got on with cleaning something behind the counter. They chose some wine and went over to the tills to pay and I caught the eye of one of them, I flashed a cheeky smile and I swear to god he bit his bottom lip. I just hope it was because he wanted some cake. Would you believe it they didn't buy anything, I was so sure they would, I must work on my charm.

What I dislike is how much we have to throw away, so much that the Assistant Manager requested we slash the prices from about 7.30pm. A note to everyone: come in store at about 9.30pm and the prices will be down really low. I also hate the freezer, I had to spend two hours in there sorting it out, it was horrible, cramped, slippery and strangely, really really cold.

I love working there really.

Driving Test

Today I had my driving test, I don't think I have ever been more nervous. I slept so badly the night before, kept waking up with visions of failure, visions of success and visions of any possible outcome. I woke up at about 6.30 and had to read a book to calm my nerves, I rewoke at 8 when the good luck texts began flooding in. My instructor picked me up at 10 and we went over everything I could get in the test for an hour. My confidence grew, I made no mistakes and everything seemed to be going alright.

I parked myself in a bay near the test centre before popping into Burger King to go to the toilet. We both went into the test centre waiting room, over the next 10 minutes 3 other people joined us, they all had their instructors going over things to do, what not to do and such, mine sat there reading a car magazine, he was apparently that confident in me. All four learners sat there, feet tapping, quick breathing, awkward smiles. Eventually the examiners came to get us. Mine was called Paul, according to the doorman he is the strictest.

We got in the car, did the Show Me/Tell Me questions, I got one about rear foglights and one about the anti-lock braking system, good start! We drove off and headed for Rose Hill, at the massive junction in Sutton I came up against my first challenge, an ambulance, I pulled over for it. I hit the kerb. Disaster! It is over! I've failed in just 5 minutes! I kept going, put it out of my head. Rather annoyingly I was taken on an unfamiliar route around Rose Hill, I would have been amazing on the Cheam route.

I was given the manoeuvres Reverse Left and Parallel Park, my reverse left was alright but my parallel park was the best I have ever done. After spluttering through 40 minutes of assessed, silent driving (he did not respond to my humorous comments at all). We pulled up in a road and he looked at me. "You have passed" he said. My heart leapt, I almost replied "really? are you sure?" He took me through my minor faults (all 8 of them). My instructor took me back to school since I am no longer covered by his insurance. My girlfriend phoned me up, I do love her. I text my parents, they spread the word to the whole family. I wandered into school having missed a morning of Challenge of Management, wandered into the study room to find two groups doing a careerstart course, they all looked at me. I said "I only went and passed!" and they cheered and applauded, everyone made me feel so good.

Now I just need a car.

Goal line technology

As some of you may know I am a referee, I tend to go on about it a bit. I have my opinions on football and when voicing them I often say "trust me, I'm a referee." Today I had one of my best and longest rants concerning football and refereeing and for once I got the general agreement of those around me. I am talking about goal line technology.

What sparked this was the failure for the officials to notice that Frank Lampard's shot against Germany had crossed the line. I am not going to rant on about how it cost England the game or anything because frankly it is a scapegoat, we were comprehensively beaten by an obviously superior team. What I will complain about is the fact that Sepp Blatter (the FIFA president) is denying the use of goal line technology throughout the world but especially in the World Cup, the most prestigious and exciting sporting event in the world. His reasoning for not introducing it is that it will create a gap between the professional and amateur sides of football since lower levels of football will not have access to this technology. His way to beat this was to introduce two additional assistants to stand on the goal line to assess goal and penalty decisions. To put it bluntly, this is bollocks. As a referee in amateur football I know that it is often difficult to find two willing parents or spectators to take on the role of assistant referee, to find four would be near impossible. I have quite often had to referee games without assistants which is quite a challenge.

Technology has been introduced into the professional side of other sports for ages now. Rugby and cricket to name the biggest two. Amateur cricket and rugby still takes place all across the country with just the human officials and everything is fine.

Football is a billion pound industry, millions and millions can rest on one decision, the decision of three men who cannot possibly be everywhere. Any industry where this much money is dependent on people cannot possibly deny the need for technology.

I am not saying goal line technology would have saved England, I am saying it would save blushes, it would save the footballing world, it would save injustices and it would save angering an entire nation.

I hope you are reading this Sepp Blatter, you arrogant, self-involved, ignorant moron.

Special Bumper Edition

As I have not blogged for a few days now my biggest fan (follower) asked for a bumper edition, so be prepared for many of the rants and thoughts that have been building up in my head for the past few days.

I will start with one of the top news in the world of irritatingness, you guessed it, Vuvuzelas. Whatever moron thought it would be a good idea to bring them to football matches is in great need of a Vuvuzela up his backside, you may have noticed that they are excellently designed for this punishment - long, straight and broadening. They make a horrible noise and it is a constant monotonous drone before the match, during the match and after the match, there is no change in atmosphere when a goal is scored, a decision is made or any kind of scoring chance, it just stays as that horrible noise. FIFA have said they will ban them if one of them gets thrown onto the pitch. I have decided I am willing to travel to South Africa, buy a Vuvuzela, throw it at the referee, possibly getting banned from any football match or even killed just to shut them up, I will be a martyr. A number of people have commented upon them. Chris Evans got in a bit of trouble for retweeting a so called "distasteful" joke. I found it quite funny - "Honestly, you give Africans £2 a month and they go and buy a bloody trumpet." Boris Johnson also made his opinion clear, claiming they were tremendous fun and easy to use but "not for the Olympics I think."

This week I noticed the change in emotions as we get further away from the England vs USA match. I walked home with a friend and the whole country was depressed. I had a flag with me and before the game I had been passionately waving it, after it drooped down by my side. As the week went on people had ranted about Robert Green and then pretty much forgotten. I know that I have been getting happier all week which I am sure will be topped by spending tomorrow evening with my lovely girlfriend who I have not seen for AGES.

There was one exception to my happiness-time increase. This was Wednesday night. On Wednesday night I was trying to come up with a prefect timetable for next Tuesday. This is not easy on the best of days. This one was particularly difficult because I will not be there and neither will seven of my usual prefects, we are off to help on the Year 7 Challenge Day in London. This is also taking place on Monday so a few of Monday's prefects are away then. I am covering for another Senior prefect on Monday and he is covering for me on Tuesday. So far not too difficult. Problems started arising when I realised I was missing seven of my prefects and in their place I had been given two. This stress-fest caused a minor meltdown, oh the trials of responsibility.

Today at lunch I was once again called into duty (not on my duty day!) after a Year 10 was mugged right outside school. All Senior Prefects were mobilised (in my head by walkie-talkie "This is mother-goose, all SPs mobilise, repeat, all SPs mobilise, over" but in reality just by a teacher saying "I need to speak to all SPs") We were sent to stand on street corners, ushering students back into school whilst on the lookout for "a white man in his twenties, wearing a hoodie and sunglasses," one of the most vague descriptions ever. I loved the power though, I am like a grown up.

Yesterday I went to get my uniform fitted for work. I had given my measurement and was sent to the Gents with a shirt and trousers. Once I had changed and had a look in the mirror I was struck by the conundrum about whether to parade in front of the fitter and recruitment team. After much thinking I decided that I was not out shopping with my mum and that I am old enough to make a decision on my own. You should see the hat, I look great.

This took me ages, are you happy now?

Insects

I have nothing against insects, they don't freak me out or scare me but sometimes they really do irritate me. I was walking home with a friend from an end of exam celebration the other night and the amount of mindless creatures about was astonishing.

I will start with snails, has there ever been a more irritating creature, it is ugly, slimy and eats your plants? It was a fairly damp night and these little wastes of an animal had decided to crawl enmasse across the paths. All. The. Way. Home. Obviously I did not want to tread on these dimwitted molluscs (it would ruin my shoes) so I took extra care to navigate around them, not particularly easy when as inebriated as my companion and I were. Naturally there were some snail casualties, a loud crunch accompanied by a groan of irritation from one of us. Over the 20 minute walk I was responsible for the death of five to my companion's three. I must have bigger feet.

The other insect that irritates me is any little bastard that bites me and tries to suck my blood. Personally I am quite fond of my blood and I would prefer that it stays inside my body, I am not partial to the sharing of bodily fluids. I am aware I have quite a lot of blood and they only want to take a little bit but I disagree with this way of life. Would I kill a healthy individual to save the lives of many others with the healthy man's organs? No I would not so stop sucking my blood you little demons. I am prepared to give these insects one warning, if i feel a small pain in any part of my body that feels like an insect I will take a light swipe at that part of my body. If this does not deter the insects they will be immediatly destroyed, most likely by splattering, no messing about. One particular beast that tried sucking blood from my neck was thrown into the sink and drowned.

Irritating little buggers

The Final Stretch

Tomorrow I have my last two exams of the year. I can sense the freedom, no more slaving at my desk over notes, attempting practice papers or flicking through text books. No more facebook panic, totally unprepared people broadcasting their terror over the internet in an attempt for sympathy. The obvious solution is get off the computer and work or is there a new technique I am not yet aware of?

I will miss the CGP revision guides, they inject that little smile into revision. There was a little speech in the AS-Level chemistry book encouraging me not to give in to the dark side, may sound crap but I loved it. "Don't give up now. Only as a fully-trained Chemistry Jedi, with the force as your ally, can you take on the Examiner. If you quit now, if you choose the easy path as Vador did, all the marks you've fought for will be lost. Be strong. Don't give in to hate - that leads to the dark side." What other books would give a motivational speech?

Despite having two pretty horrible exams left I am feeling happy, my biology today went well and it has resulted in me being very happy, noticabely so. Just imagine how I will be tomorrow!

Good luck to anyone still going.