One is the Loneliest Number

I am now on exam leave, I've finished school forever and now have those nasty little buggers known as exams to get past. Now because my parents both work and my brother and sister are both at school I spend about 7 hours of every weekday being completely alone at home. Being in my own company for such a prolonged period each day has drastically altered my mind. How the unemployed manage, I will never know. Here are my findings:

1. I now drink between 6 and 12 cups of tea in a day, it is a reward for completing a practice paper, the solution when stuck on a question, a refocussing activity and a way to stave off boredom. I ran out of teabags the other day and went into meltdown. I had to venture to a neighbour and beg for supplies.

2. The most exciting part of the day is when the post arrives. We are near the end of a postal route so this usually takes place around 11, as soon as I hear the letterbox* clatter I dash downstairs so pick up the letters. I am overwhelmingly excited if one of the letters is for me, it rarely is though. (*Does anyone still have a box for letters or does everyone just have a flap so the letters fall onto the doormat?).

3. My mind is captivated by the smallest things. On Monday I played catch in the garden, by myself, for half an hour. I am teaching myself new juggling tricks with varied success, I now have an excellent finishing routine. I lift half of the table tennis table up and play against myself for ages, I've won every game so far.

4. I have apparently turned into a professional chef. Everyday I cook an unnecessarily complicated meal. I have so far had a beef and gravy sandwich, home made pasta puttanesca with bacon and my pride and joy - bacon wrapped faggots^ in a tomato, onion, garlic and mushroom sauce. (^Faggots are pork belly, liver, heart and lung in meatball format).

5. I now need to have a playlist for everything on my iPod. The Cheer up Joe playlist, the Chemistry Revision playlist, Biology revision playlist, Physics Revision playlist, Top Songs, Classics, Silly and Fun playlist. It is just sad. I am currently listening to Silly and Fun.

6. I have become desperate for companionship. I have given appliances and objects personalities and traits. Obviously the radio, kettle, fridge and cooker and my best friends, the desk is my boss and the dishwasher is my mortal enemy as I have to empty it every morning. Another sign that I am going completely doolally was my plan to attract a birdy friend to keep me company when revising in the garden. I tore up some bread and put it in a trail towards my chair. I was hoping for a robin but ended up with a blackbird and a sparrow, can't argue with that. The sparrow even sat on the arm of my chair until a big nasty crow scared him off.

7. Clothes and brushing my hair seem to have become unnecessary, my hair is always a mess although still frequently washed and my clothes are effortless, it's all tracksuit trousers, t-shirts and massive jumpers.

8. I have turned into an eating machine, my lunch is always massive and I constantly snack on anything and everything through the day, I got through 4 bananas, 8 cocktail sausages and 2 kitkats yesterday alone.

9. The naked run to the bathroom has become much less fun. I'm sure you've all done it, made a dash in the nude between bedroom and bathroom before showering, with noone else in the house there is no need for speed or sneakiness, removing all entertainment and thrill that it provides. I've considered doing a detour past an open window just to the the adrenaline buzz back. I have to fetch more toilet paper myself if it runs out. The naked dance has far less risk attached. I go to the toilet with the door wide open. I sing or whistle constantly.

10. I actually revise.

Madness!

Yesterday I went to see Madness play at Epsom Downs after the racing with three of my friends. We had a pretty fun hour or so betting with each other on the horses, out of three races, I managed to pick the winner just once, I managed to make a profit of just £1.

Onto the main event, I took us over to the stage a bit early so we could get a good spot, near the front, almost in the middle. When they got on to stage, the crowd went crazy, middle aged men and women jumped up and down, danced crazily, just like they were teenagers again. We did the same, still being teenagers of course. They started with One Step Beyond, a real party starter, it was immense, lots of jumping, shouting and laughing.

My dad had told me to look after myself because Madness usually attract a fairly rowdy crowd, I dismissed this fairly quickly thinking I would be with a load of smartly dressed businessmen and sophisticated women. I was half right. They were all there, just near the back or in the stands. Near the front were the hardcore Madness fans. After just a couple of songs the real Madness began. Moshing, fighting and shoving, security was slow to react but took no prisoners once they got involved, one twat decided he would fight one of these massive security guards from G4S, a foolish move, not only could the guy have kicked his arse on his own but they work as a bit of a team and as he tried to get away he was grabbed round the neck and hauled over a fence by another security guy and restrained completely. I hope the idiot got what he deserved.

Sometimes people take the law into their own hands, I was stood next to a particularly large, relatively young girl who was clearly a big fan, when this idiot who challenged security shoved her she nearly killed him, being stood next to her I was quite worried he would lash out and I'd be down for the count. He did not, I kept myself looking vaguely calm and stood my ground (while my friends cowered behind me, in their defense, two of them are quite small). The two that were causing most trouble were two of the fattest people you will see on their feet (fatter people you may see completely bed-bound), they were bashing into each other and other people causing absolute chaos. Security held back slightly on these two, probably because an elephant tranquilizer dart would be the only way to take these two down and if they put up a fight, it would have decimated the crowd. On a side note I would like to point out the correct meaning of decimate. It does not mean to completely destroy or to kill the majority. It means kill one in ten of a population. Get this wrong with me around and I will be forced to hit you followed by a long explanation of why you are a moron, just a warning. There were some points in the evening when I was being consistently battered by the crowd while desperately trying to prevent the smaller of my friends from being killed. My other friend will tell you he was doing the same but I didn't see him take any of the hits.

Eventually Madness got on to the main songs that everyone knows, we sang and danced so loudly, Baggy Trousers, Our House, It Must Be Love, House of Fun, we did them all, it was amazing.

Madness are like a fine wine, they just get better with age, it was a really good night and despite fearing for my life I loved every minute. Well done boys.