No Extra Time

This could be a post about how I have no spare time to get anything done, I am running far too close to a deadline or I feel my time is running out. It is none of these, it is another anti-Seppitic rant at my least favourite FIFA President. The power hungry moron that is Sepp Blatter has come up with yet another game destroying idea, to get rid of extra time and go straight to penalties in the event of a draw in a cup tie. His reasoning behind this is to make cup games more interesting since it will stop teams from "parking the bus in front of the goal" or playing very defensively for those less up to speed with football terminology. On par with his usual ideas this one is just silly. (I am toning down the language after an incident involving one of my posts being published in the school sports newspaper without being edited. The Headmaster reads it, need I say more?)

Anyway, how is making a match shorter going to prevent teams playing defensively? If anything it will encourage teams to play more defensively since they have to defend for considerably less time than before. Not only this but I have never liked penalties as a way of deciding a match, the World Cup final of 2006 was a perfect example of this, the most important game in the world should not be decided by what is ultimately luck. If penalties were more skill than luck then Everton and Liverpool would undoubtedly still be in the Carling Cup. If anything Sepp, come up with a better solution than penalties, if you did I would forgive you for all of your footballing sins.

While I'm on the topic of Blatter I will pick out another of his outrageous comments. He has suggested that in Women's football they should be forced to wear tighter tops to make it more interesting to watch. Sepp you dirty old pervert, this is the 21st Century, you can't just dress women how you want and watch them run around. It's like saying newsreaders should be naked to make the news more interesting (Trevor McDonald naked, I cringe just thinking about it), or teachers to make lessons more interesting, or magazines to make the articles more...oh.

You may ask why noone stands against him in the Presidential election, he bribes the board that are in charge of voting in a subtle, clever and underhand way.

Someone stop this lunatic, dead or alive.

People - negatives

I do not love all people who have the pleasure of walking through my life. Some people really make my blood boil. If I suddenly die of a high blood pressure related illness then theses will be the people to blame.

My morning often starts with my body being filled with rage. This is due to a group of girls from the local Catholic school. This Catholic school is so local that it takes just five minutes to walk to from my bus stop. Obviously I do not have a problem with these girls using the bus if they are coming from a long distance away, that is what buses are for. What is not alright is for loads of these girls to walk out of the station (which is just opposite the bus stop) and wait for the bus. There is a group of around fifteen girls that do this (often preceded by a trip to the bakery to eat 4 danish pastries before school). It is a 5 minute walk, because of traffic the bus usually takes 2 minutes, the wait is usually 10 minutes. They take 12 minutes to do a 5 minute journey because they are so bloody lazy! What is even worse is when the bus refuses to let us on because there are too many of these girls so the three regulars who have much further to go on the bus (including myself) have to be late and the girls just take the short walk. The worst occurrence ever was when I was at the bus stop with my dad, the bus stopped and let people on, just before we were about to get on, the driver said "Sorry, no more room" and we had to wait, just for having some manners. If I ever go on a killing spree, they will be the first to go.

In Year 10, we got a new librarian at school, she was the scariest woman in the world, to the extent that I was scared to go in there. We called her the dragon, the witch, the bitch and all sorts of names. From the moment I entered the Sixth Form this instantly changed, she suddenly became the nicest woman in the world, always keen to help, recommend books, talk to you about work and future prospects, what a transformation! I happened to be working in there while she was giving an induction to the new Year 7s and she was instantly terrifying again, she must dislike children. I'm not sure why this is in negatives, she is lovely now.

Another is a fat Irishwoman who comes into work sometimes, she clears out our reduced cakes, complains about the cakes that aren't reduced and doesn't say thank you once you have served her. Once she has paid, I always pray she pays at the till and not at my bakery till, she will stand just inside the door checking her receipt. Nothing had come up before but recently she found a discrepancy and demanded a refund. She was overcharged. We were shocked. How could we have done this? We had overcharged her! BY FOUR FUCKING PENCE! It doesn't help that she is the rudest woman in the world. I was under the impression that the Irish and fat people are jolly, she should be doubly jolly!

What really kills me is people walking on the pavement antisocially. By this I mean slow walkers, people in groups that span the entire pavement, people who walk right down the middle of the pavement towards you forcing you into the road or against a wall, people who don't control their dogs and people who don't smile back. Not to worry, I have prepared a solution, The Walking License. In order to walk in public places a person must hold a Walking License which can be obtained by passing The Walking Test. Those without licenses may only walk with those who have (maximum ratio of holders:not = 1:3) and display a large L on their front and back. If anyone breaks this law they will be slapped with a fine of £100 and banned from walking between 6pm and 7am. The Walking Test is very simple, you must demonstrate your ability to follow the rules of the pavement and pedestrian etiquette. When I'm in charge, things will be different.

Ahhhhhhhhh, people.

People - positives

People, we are surrounded by them, we get to enjoy them/have to put up with them almost all the time. The bus is a particularly good source of people related entertainment, you see the regular crazies and the one of lunatics.

One of my favourite regulars is a man who gets on the bus towards the end of my journey to school, presumably going to work since he is so regular. He is ALWAYS wearing shorts, from the hottest day in Summer to the snowy days in Winter, he will be wearing shorts. These aren't just shorts, these shorts are the liveliest, most colourful and exciting shorts in the history of mankind, they make my flambouyant shirts look quite modest. It is part of my daily routine to check his shorts and they brighten me up. What I have failed to mention is that he is the least interesting looking man you will ever see. Bald, short and stout, his shorts are so out of character that they define him! One day he was wearing trousers, I was distraught. I'm not going to lie, I considered suicide that morning.

Another of my favourite bus people I see less often is in fact a bus driver. He has the most amazing hair: big, blond and curly. When driving the bus he squashes it all down beneath a little blue cap. When I get on the bus in the morning and say "Morning" in my usual upbeat way, he tips his cap and says "morning" right back. He was already quite high up in my legend charts but today skyrocketed him to the top. When at my stop he took out the change tray from its slot and filled it up with Peanut M&Ms and then put it back. He has a food stash in his driver cabin!

I have saved my two favourite people for last. They are the husband and wife that own my local dry cleaners. Every time I walk past they will wave and say hello, if they are working on something they will drop everything to wave at me. When I am in less of a rush I stand and chat to them and the man goes "Hello there Mr Robinson, how is school?" They asked about my grades on results day and are interested in what I hope to do. One of the best things he has ever said is "I am going to be very sad when you go to University and you do not walk past everyday."

I love people.

Family Holiday #2

Just nine days after returning from the ordeals already described my family embarked upon another. This one was a venture to the Loir Valley near Le Mans in central France with my mum's family, consisting of 3 of her brothers and their wives and children, a sister-in-law with husband and children, one of my cousin's girlfriend and a friend of my uncle. In all, 25 of us. This is a lot of people to have in one house, which is the exact reason we didn't stay in a house, we stayed in a Chateaus that used to be a monastery. This place was owned by a man called Claude, what else? He was quite possibly the Frenchest man in the world, his dog was called Fifi.

The house was a typical horror film location, caves underneath, a massive woods, dark hallways, bats and secret passageways. The house maintained by a team of zombie like people, led by the one we nicknamed Igor. We even considered making a Blair Witch Project.

I was in a room with my three oldest cousins and my brother, it was a great laugh, the lights were on a bare cable so we did tricks that made it spark. The room had the noisiest door known to man so if anyone used the door the whole room would be woken up. This however was nothing compared to the dog, it was a very clever dog but did not manage to grasp the fact that the alternate door was locked. It would throw itself up against it repeatedly in an attempt to get in, scaring the hell out of all of us, especially since it would grab the handle and we could see the handle turning. I hate dogs. The cat I preferred, it would get in through the window and pad around the room before snuggling up to one of us in bed and purring. It would switch beds quite often and was lovely (must not make a pussy joke).

My memory of the week is somewhat impaired by the fact I spent the majority of the time drinking. What I remember vividly is the cooking, it takes a lot of time and manpower to feed 25 people all at once. The system was that each individual family was responsible for one meal and anyone else could chip in. My family did meatball, hand made. In all we made 211 meatballs, made gallons of delicious sauce and served up lashing of spaghetti. The meal lasted us 3 days, meatballs for dinner, meatball subs the next day and the remaining sauce used to add taste to the youngest children's dinner the next day. Due to my skills I was put in charge of subs, I made 25 meatball subs in under an hour, who says I learn nothing at work?

We decided to take a guided tour of the caves from Claude, it was unbelievably fascinating. He showed us the burial sites for Monks who had lived there, the places where French people had taken cover from bombs in World War Two and where Jews were hidden from the Nazis. He then went on to describe the religious experiences he had had whilst down there, involving a secret room that only the enlightened could find, a massive, multiple headed moving statue and all sorts of weird stories. I'm a religious man but I didn't quite believe him, he was a massive stoner! He would quite often disappear up to his room with his girlfriend and they would both come down looking flushed and completely out of it.

After this one week I could happily never eat another croissant or baguette in my life.