One is the Loneliest Number

I am now on exam leave, I've finished school forever and now have those nasty little buggers known as exams to get past. Now because my parents both work and my brother and sister are both at school I spend about 7 hours of every weekday being completely alone at home. Being in my own company for such a prolonged period each day has drastically altered my mind. How the unemployed manage, I will never know. Here are my findings:

1. I now drink between 6 and 12 cups of tea in a day, it is a reward for completing a practice paper, the solution when stuck on a question, a refocussing activity and a way to stave off boredom. I ran out of teabags the other day and went into meltdown. I had to venture to a neighbour and beg for supplies.

2. The most exciting part of the day is when the post arrives. We are near the end of a postal route so this usually takes place around 11, as soon as I hear the letterbox* clatter I dash downstairs so pick up the letters. I am overwhelmingly excited if one of the letters is for me, it rarely is though. (*Does anyone still have a box for letters or does everyone just have a flap so the letters fall onto the doormat?).

3. My mind is captivated by the smallest things. On Monday I played catch in the garden, by myself, for half an hour. I am teaching myself new juggling tricks with varied success, I now have an excellent finishing routine. I lift half of the table tennis table up and play against myself for ages, I've won every game so far.

4. I have apparently turned into a professional chef. Everyday I cook an unnecessarily complicated meal. I have so far had a beef and gravy sandwich, home made pasta puttanesca with bacon and my pride and joy - bacon wrapped faggots^ in a tomato, onion, garlic and mushroom sauce. (^Faggots are pork belly, liver, heart and lung in meatball format).

5. I now need to have a playlist for everything on my iPod. The Cheer up Joe playlist, the Chemistry Revision playlist, Biology revision playlist, Physics Revision playlist, Top Songs, Classics, Silly and Fun playlist. It is just sad. I am currently listening to Silly and Fun.

6. I have become desperate for companionship. I have given appliances and objects personalities and traits. Obviously the radio, kettle, fridge and cooker and my best friends, the desk is my boss and the dishwasher is my mortal enemy as I have to empty it every morning. Another sign that I am going completely doolally was my plan to attract a birdy friend to keep me company when revising in the garden. I tore up some bread and put it in a trail towards my chair. I was hoping for a robin but ended up with a blackbird and a sparrow, can't argue with that. The sparrow even sat on the arm of my chair until a big nasty crow scared him off.

7. Clothes and brushing my hair seem to have become unnecessary, my hair is always a mess although still frequently washed and my clothes are effortless, it's all tracksuit trousers, t-shirts and massive jumpers.

8. I have turned into an eating machine, my lunch is always massive and I constantly snack on anything and everything through the day, I got through 4 bananas, 8 cocktail sausages and 2 kitkats yesterday alone.

9. The naked run to the bathroom has become much less fun. I'm sure you've all done it, made a dash in the nude between bedroom and bathroom before showering, with noone else in the house there is no need for speed or sneakiness, removing all entertainment and thrill that it provides. I've considered doing a detour past an open window just to the the adrenaline buzz back. I have to fetch more toilet paper myself if it runs out. The naked dance has far less risk attached. I go to the toilet with the door wide open. I sing or whistle constantly.

10. I actually revise.

Pet Peeves and Pure Hatred

They say everyone has a pet peeve, something minor that drives them mad. My dad can't stand drinks being vaguely near the edge of the table, my mum goes crazy about dirty plates being left anywhere. I don't mind my dad's pet peeve because if he sees a drink near the edge of the table he moves it an inch or so inwards. My mum however is a different story, once we have finished a meal she starts to get annoyed at the presence of dirty plates on the table but does absolutely nothing to solve it, instead forcing me and my siblings to remove them, if it bothers her that much she would get off her arse and move them. Rather annoyingly I have forgotten what my pet peeve is so I can't write about it and mock myself, sorry.

I can however remember my pure hatred. There is nothing that raises my blood pressure like lateness. This is a hatred shared by both my dad and my brother, in the words of my dad: "late says' my time is more important than yours'." If someone is late meeting me without any warning I find myself doing nothing, wasting my time waiting around. Late wastes time for everyone and less is achieved, it is infuriating. In order not to appear hypocritical I avoid being late at all costs, I always leave more than enough time for things and if there is even the slightest chance of me being late I text or call whoever I am meeting. There is no way late is ever a good thing, when a woman says "I'm late" it strikes fear and panic into the heart of a man, or so I've heard. If a baby is late it causes discomfort to the mother and could mean labour has to be induced to prevent disintegration of the placenta. Late can mean dead. There is no good late. Fact.